I am a snail

I am a snail. 

Not only do I take a stupid amount of time to make any progress on anything or do anything worthwhile or make decisions I need to make – but every time someone touches me, I withdraw.

If I think it might hurt, I withdraw.  If it does hurt, I withdraw.  If it makes me angry, I withdraw.  If it makes me sad, I withdraw.  Even if it makes me happy, I'll withdraw just in case someone stuffs the happy up.

I shut up.  I don’t speak my mind.  I don’t stand up.  I whisper arguments to myself where I always win, but they are irrelevant because no-one knows what goes on inside my head.

If people don’t understand me or get me or know what I’m feeling or going through it is because I withdraw.  I don’t tell them.

I don’t tell my partner things.  I withdraw.  I don’t stand up when she is angry – I withdraw.  I don’t tell her when she has gone too far, or is being hurtful, or has been inaccurate.  I withdraw.

I am a snail.

I don’t want to be a snail.  Who the fuck wants to be remembered for being a snail?  Who wants “Here lies a snail” on their tombstone?  Who really respects a snail?  How happy is a snail that dreams bigger but does not do?
I want to be a lion.  It is the first animal I think of so that is obviously it.  A male lion.  He is strong.  He fights for his family.  He makes decisions.  He does what is necessary.  He protects his family at the risk of his life. 

I want to be a lion, but I am a snail.

How do I change?
A lion doesn’t think “What if I’m not good enough?  What if I fail?  What if I disappoint?  What if someone starts an argument and I can’t fight so I have to run away?  What if I get hurt?”  They just do.

I lion doesn’t shift blame.  A lion makes no excuses.  They just do.

A lion man cooks on his BBQ.  He has a beer when he wants one.  He fixes the things in the house that his partner can’t fix.  He picks up on the stuff she is struggling with – to be stronger, more enduring, more patient and worthy of respect. 

He takes out the garbage.

He makes love to his partner.

He tells her what he wants.

He tells her what he is going to do.

Then he does it.

He fixes the lights, the walls, the swing, the security doors, the blinds.

He looks after the things he owns.

He washes his car, maintains his bike.

He doesn’t take shit.  He tells his partner when she is wrong, if she is wrong - especially if it concerns his little daughter.  He shows the required patience and endurance, then expects it of others.

He also appreciates all his partner does and all she has given him.  He gives appropriate thanks.  He values her and makes sure she knows it.

He keeps fit.  He has an idea how to fight – mentally, physically and verbally.  He will defend.  He will protect.  He will do anything that has to be done.  He will do the things he really wants to as well – regardless of what others think or say.

He takes criticism and wears what he has to but will not wear what he does not have to.  He does not shrink.  He does not withdraw.  He does not cry easily.  He does not take other people’s anger personally and shrink from it – especially when it is not directed at him anyway.

This is the man I will become.  I have to if I am to be proud of myself, respect myself and hold on to anything I value.  My daughter most of all, but everything else too – my fitness, my partner’s affection and respect.  Her trust.  My happiness and contentment.  My self-confidence.  My belief.

Any life I consider worth living...